Right. I'm determined to get better and I want to be out of here in two weeks. Let's get cracking with this group therapy thing. I go to my first interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT) group. For those of you who may not be familiar with IPT, it's a type of therapy that focuses on how we relate and react to one another in a group setting. The therapist leading the group is Odette, she has a calm manner, but seems unenthusiastic about the session. She starts off by explaining the group rules. This includes confidentiality, respectfulness, staying for the duration of the group, if you exit you will not be allowed to re-enter and, for health and safety reasons, only water is allowed in the groups. No hot drinks. There must have been some sort of coffee incident in the past when conversations got heated.

We start off with a check-in. Someone has to choose to go first, and the therapist doesn't prompt you. We wait in awkward silence for what feels like forever before someone eventually starts the check-in. My turn comes around and I introduce myself. The process reminds me of how AA groups are portrayed in movies, except instead of saying 'I'm an alcoholic', I say how I'm feeling. I’m discouraged from using words to describe my physical feelings (i.e. 'I'm feeling tired'), and instead I should focus on my emotions. Currently, they’re all scrambled so I go with ‘disconnected’. Once everyone has checked in, the group opens for discussion. Everyone seems relatively normal, although who knows what ‘relative’ means in this context. As the session progresses, I struggle to relate to the other patients; either I don’t understand their circumstances, or it’s very difficult for me to empathise. One patient is having a hard time dealing with a mouse infestation in their house. I could not care less - call an extinguisher, get a cat; you have options. I retreat. I have no idea where I fall in here. I try grapple with what feels like a thousand questions: do I go ahead and blurt out my traumas? Is it appropriate? Will it upset people? Is it potentially triggering? Should I just observe and see what it's about? Should I care at all what other patients think of me in a mental hospital? Can someone please remind me why I’m here?

The session is constantly interrupted by one patient who, for medical reasons, goes to the bathroom quite frequently. It breaks up whatever flow the room manages to muster, and it feels like everyone starts from the beginning once bathroom patient has returned. I’m at my tolerance capacity, it’s been over an hour, the mouse conversation has gone on for too long, the therapist is saying very little. Why is she not solving my problems? What. The. Fuck.

In the hour and a half, I have concluded that becoming a psychotherapist in a hospital isn’t a bad gig, because by the looks of things, you just observe a whole bunch of people talking nonsense and get paid for it. I have learnt that group therapy drives up my anxiety up to such a degree that I subconsciously scratch my hands and arms. Once the session is over, I’m agitated and frustrated and confused and it’s an emotional cocktail I’d rather not drink and digest. I’m grateful that I have certain medication that’s prescribed as needed (with a cap) and I head to the nurses’ station. I’m not sure what the point of therapy is if afterwards I have to ask for a Xanax.

While waiting for my blue calm pill I hear from another patient that Ally is leaving. I’m devastated. Despite only knowing her for two days, I’m terrified of the loneliness of not having her around.